Shockwave – Sadness never stops

blogpix3.jpgAs I continue my “Shockwave Series,” while dealing with the passing of my Mother almost two week ago from last Sunday. I’ve stumbled away from work at my regular job, as, I continue to evaluate and process the ordeal of losing a beloved family member, whom, I’ve been entirely close too for many years – fifty-three years to be exact from childhood to adulthood.

I routinely sit at my desk on a daily basis, as I write and work on resurrecting some old writing projects that have been put on hold over the past few weeks, few months to a few years, all while, I look at picture from Christmas 2012 of my late Mother, which is a background on my computer screen of my laptop.

The harsh realities of life are so unreal that, I often think it’s only a dream? I’ve yet to wake up to see, if it is the real deal or not, obviously, it’s the real moniker of life!

The sadness of grief, the solid liquids of steel, as the seasonal likes of Fall start’s to settle into the Midwest, life isn’t yet taken for granted. But, lives in amazement with daring puzzles to be solved with the revealing likes of Sherlock Holmes, Thomas Sullivan Magnum or novelist turned private detective, Richard Castle, well all looking to find the answers to one of life’s most daring puzzles.


Life runs like a spring rushing from the famed Colorado or Snake River’s, it’s refreshing to hear familiar sounds of water rushing down the paths of the empty canyon’s, creek and rivers. Many have never seen in these famed canyon’s in their lifetimes – the high canyon’s dwell rich history of ancestry of America’s pastime, since the last great battle of General Custer and his men at Little Big Horn, Montana in 1876.

Forever in the hearts of those that loved and cherished the friendship, comfort and companionship of my Mother, life is still deluged with mysteries of the unknown, rather it’s on Earth or in Heaven, the truth is to be told that the memories live forever in the hearts of those that were touched forever, perhaps, that’s the truth, “the mystified truth of life.”

The sadness and sorrow never stops, but the healing of faith is just starting with a new beginning in store for life.

Shockwave – the day after

heaven-newearthI’m trying to cast some light of what all has transpired since, my Mother passed away early yesterday morning.

The surreal of shock in a way, I’ve probably felt, once before, when my late-grandfather passed away in the early 1990’s? – “the spiritual jolt of life.”

As for yesterday, things seem to not have hit me like it did, when my grandfather passed? I keep asking myself, “why?” How could it be possible not to receive the same magnitude of spiritual or paranormal power, the body has once experienced in the past, while the passing of another family member who died some years earlier?

Perhaps, this was a different magnitude of strength – spiritually? Nor was it something less powerful, than, that of my grandfather? Life is bitterly strange at least to say.

Perhaps – its reality? The reality of one’s mindset, the energy and strength between family members and more? Only God would know the answer to that very same question?

It’s an answer, I could not possibly explain while on a wimpy state of mind, all while the pie bakes in the oven of forsaken thought!

“A shock, a magnitude,” the harsh realities of life becomes increasingly insane with “the questions of why.”  “Why me, why now? Why couldn’t be someone else” – but, not those of my immediate family?

I hate to see my Dad going alone of the agony of not having my Mom around the house and the dog’s not having their favorite best friend, to snuggle and cherish their voice to the commands they’re used to hearing during their daily lives as man and women’s best friend.

It saddens me to be away from home, while dealing with my own battles with life and with Cancer. Hoping, that one day – I would be cancer free, not just in the presence of heaven, but on this Earth, the very planet, we dwell and live our lives among God’s universe.

It’s hard to imagine this all took place, a solid couple of days, before the 17th anniversary of September 11th, 2001. A day where the world watched in horror, the tragic events of the World Trade Center attacks in New York and Washington, D.C., at the Pentagon that killed dozen’s of innocent civilians.

I just realized, as I started writing this blog article, the date of infamy was closer – all while forgetting, it was still September.

Somehow, I know for the benevolence of my own mind, she’s in a better place, where pain is free and life is cherished as she would’ve wanted in life here.

Her life here was overwhelmed with the joy’s of being with family and friends, that were close to her, as I grew up in my childhood and adult years of life.

I know, she would’ve wanted to stay around longer to watch my cousin’s kids grow up into smart and decent kids, as well into their adult years, and myself to one day marry and have kids of mine own and to see her grandkids for the dear life she wanted before she even thought about life after death.

These would’ve been her dream. The dream, she always wanted in life.

It makes me wonder how she can see the impossible dream from a far? I guess it comes with the territory of life of watching a loved one cherish into life as they pass on spiritually, if not impossible? How is it possible from heaven?

“…, God’s magical ways of eternal life, from a far…,” go figures!

Shockwave – the loss

clock.jpgToday isn’t the brightest day in my life. It’s actually the saddest day of my life.

“Why,” as you my ask? For the first time in my life, I’ve never felt so alone. Yes, alone! Today my Mother passed away into another realm of life and went home to my Grandparents, Aunt and Uncle in a place called, “Heaven.”

For the forsaken bigots of my own insanity, I often wonder, if there is actually a place called “heaven?” Some folks say there is and some say there isn’t – depending on who you ask?

IMAG0328Other family members has absorbed the shock and awe of losing a loved one. But, when it really hits home – your overwhelmed with sorrow, sadness and no sense of direction of where to go or where to lean, especially, when your nearly two-thousand miles away from home and the bulk of your family deals with the tragedy of loving someone you loved for so many years of your life.

I can’t imagine what my Dad is going through having to deal with this alone and not me being there with him in this time of need and sorrow.

Nearly two years ago, I left home after losing the house, that my late-grandfather had cherished to leave me with a roof over my head of a lifetime.

For the death of me, my Mother was eager to see me after nearly those two years away from home, since the day I left home. But, time ran out. The clock stopped. Perhaps, I waited too long? Literally, I feel I blew the chance?

When I was diagnosed with Cancer in 2017, My Mother wanted to be by my side every minute of the way during time I was in the hospital, on an unrelated medical issue following my diagnoses of Cancer.

Now with her gone – I ask myself, “how will I absorb life without her?” This agony feeling is something is something that really “hit’s,” close to home. I think I can understand how my Cousin’s felt when they were kids losing their Dad and later in life as they grew up, their Mother as well.

mom.jpgIt’s truly, remarkable how life works on this planet, we call Earth. Heaven seems to be the reality of life in a place, “far, far away in the deep reaches of space,” as they say.

This blog article is dedicated to my beloved Mother of fifty-three years, late Aunt and Uncle and to my Grandparent’s whom all have passed on. Somehow, I know she’s likely in a better place and healed of the pains she suffered while here, as she was a strong fighter and tough as nails women her entire life.

I love and miss you Mom, somehow I know you’ll be able to read this from wherever you are at peace in eternity.